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According to my supervisor, there are no such things as portals.

Usually when I get a bill, I put it on top of the fridge figuring that if it isn't red then it isn't interesting enough to be opened. Other times, I grab the mail on my way out and open it while waiting at traffic lights - as was the case with this electricity bill for $766.05. It is not the largest bill I have ever received but it was enough to make me do one of those double takes like you see in cartoons and break out in a sweat.
My first thought was to move and change my name. When I was about nine, I asked everyone to call me Ace because I liked the band Kiss but they didn't. Later, when I was in my teens, I told someone my name was Renaldo because I thought it was funny but unlike Ace, it stuck and lasted about two years longer than the five minutes I thought it was funny for.

Update:
Received a revised account for the amount of $247.34





From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 16 August 2010 8.12pm
To: sales@agl.com.au
Subject: Ref. 28941739

Dear Sir/Madam,
I have just received an account for the amount of $766.05. Up until this moment, my accounts have, on average, been around the one hundred and sixty dollar mark and I doubt the Holtzman field portal experiments I am conducting in my spare room would account for this discrepancy.
Please correct this error immediately by typing in my reference number, clicking on the alarmingly large number, and moving the decimal point to the left. I don't care how many places.
Regards, David.
From: Allison Hayes
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 9.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Ref. 28941739

Hello David
I have checked your account and the amount of $766.05 correctly corresponds with your usage of 3262 kWh peak and 1982 kWh off peak for the indicated supply period. I dont know what portal experiments are but perhaps it is why you are using more electricity than previously. Please call our toll free number on 1300 133 245 should you have any further enquiries about your account.
Sincerely, Allison Hayes
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 11.04am
To: Allison Hayes
Subject: Re: Re: Ref. 28941739

Dear Allison,
Thank you for explaining that the amount correctly corresponds with a number you have based it on. I already called that telephone number and spoke to a robot for several minutes. While I'm sure you receive a predominantly positive response from those hearing the term "I'm sorry, I didn't get that, lets try that again" repeated fifty times, I would rather be kicked in the head by a horse the size of ten horses all molded together into one big horse than dial that number ever again. It was incapable of directing me to the correct department despite my responding to each question with the word 'exterminate' in a metallic voice.
During school holidays when I was about ten, I attempted to construct a robot from household appliances which included a blender, Atari 2600 and Vacuum cleaner. My intention was to have it completed before the holidays ended so that it could accompany me to school and kill Bradley McPherson who had stolen my Casio calculator watch. After realising that the project would entail actual engineering knowledge and being told to "clean up that fucking mess in the shed", I instead told everyone at school that Bradley's mum had told my mum that he had been born with both a penis and a vagina and had to wear special underpants to keep the two separated.
I also constructed an electric sword around this time after viewing an episode of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century where they fought with such. Connecting an electric car antenna to the house mains and holding it with a garden glove, I tested it on my sister's cat. After dissembling the sword to hide all evidence and opening the windows in an attempt to air out the smell of burnt hair and cooked flesh, I buried (the appropriately named) Sooty in the backyard. A week later, during a family barbecue, the dog dug her up.
While I cannot go into too much detail regarding my portal experiments, due to the fact that AGL representatives would probably visit me and touch my stuff and say things like "We are watching you buddy", I have attached a rough diagram which shows that more energy is produced than used, making it unlikely that this is why my account is five times its usual amount.
Regards, David.

From: Allison Hayes
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 3.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ref. 28941739

Hello David
The amount of $766.05 is calculated from the meter reading. While I understand your frustration with the automated phone system, we are not able to deal with account enquiries via email and according to my supervisor there are no such things as portals so I've no idea why you are sending me pictures of them.
Sincerely, Allison Hayes
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4.05pm
To: Allison Hayes
Subject: Snap

Hello Allison,
I am not questioning the calculation, I am questioning the number the calculation is based on. If you accepted cows as payment and I owned two cows worth forty dollars each but counted them incorrectly, lost one in a dark forest and sent you the remaining twenty, would you come out thirty three dollars and ninety five cents ahead and call it a perk or have one cow?
Perks are actually one of the only reasons I still bother to turn up for work. While my co-workers are in meetings discussing why the business is going bankrupt, I put office supplies in the boot of my car.
As every meter reading for the last two years at this address has been under two hundred dollars, rather than pay you $766.05, I would prefer to spend that amount on thirty eight pizzas, ensuring sufficient fat reserves to survive having the heat turned off, or have my apartment lined with polyester socks and wear a suit made out of carpet - possibly generating enough power to start my own grid company. I would then construct a number, calculate an amount based on this and send out accounts stating that the amount is based on a number and is therefore mathematically correct. If anyone questioned the basis of the number the amount is calculated from, I would simply declare "I have the power" and point out the scientific implausibility of their experiments, forcing them to investigate other, more viable, designs.
Regards, David.


From: Allison Hayes
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Snap

Hello David,
Have you bought any new electrical equipment in the last few months that might account for the additional usage?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4.24pm
To: Allison Hayes
Subject: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

Hello Allison,
Nothing that springs to mind. I purchased a Large Hadron Collider a few months back but it has not seen much use. The one time I did manage to get it working, I ended up at the day before I unpacked it so this wouldn't count.
Regards, David.
From: Allison Hayes
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4.31pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

Whats a hadron collider?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 17 August 2010 4.38pm
To: Allison Hayes
Subject: Re: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

It's kind of like a pressure cooker but with way more dials.
From: Allison Hayes
Date: Wednesday 18 August 2010 11.31am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Superconducting quadrupole electromagnets

Hello David,
I have spoken to my supervisor and if you like I can arrange for someone to come out next week and read the meter again to check if there has been an error.
Allison
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 18 August 2010 1.29pm
To: Allison Hayes
Subject: Sanātana Dharma

Hello Allison,
An excellent suggestion. Sometimes the most obvious solution to a problem is the one that evades us most easily. Like a cow in a dark forest.
Regards, David.


From: Allison Hayes
Date: Wednesday 18 August 2010 1.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Sanātana Dharma

Ok


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