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Hello, my name is John and I ride a bicycle

My bicycle is worth more than your car and has Shimano gears which are the best. Every weekend and most weekdays, I ride my bicycle to the local cafe to meet other people who ride bicycles and we talk about bicycles. The frame of my bicycle is made from a titanium composite alloy such as NASA uses on the space shuttle.
The bicycle was named after its inventor, Robert Bicycle, a Dutch man who, dissatisfied with having to walk to the cheese shop, created the first two wheeled human-powered vehicle in 1992. Due to the non-existent petroleum requirements that the bicycle presented, its use quickly become popular with social workers and crystal healers and within just a few years, the smell of patchouli oil became inescapable even within the comfort of one's car on the freeway. Although primarily regarded as a woman's hobby, bicycle riding has gained popularity world wide.


Riding a bicycle has many advantages. As you do not have to register bicycles or obey any road rules, I am currently constructing a four person family bicycle which consists of two bicycles welded together with four armchairs in between. Due to the extra weight, I have added an engine and am devising a roof, doors and storage area at the back allowing us to ride in all weather conditions and take it shopping.

Sometimes when I am riding my bicycle I feel like I am the only person on the road. If I have my earphones in and the iPod turned up really loud, I cannot hear the car horns and people yelling "Get off the fucking road." Little compares to the exhilaration of listening to Queen's 'Bicycle' while riding in the centre of a lane at half the speed limit with several hundred cars banked up behind me during peak hour traffic. Riding a bicycle is also an excellent way to quickly go downhill.


Correct bicycling speed and position

I am often asked why my Spandex® bicycle riding costume features eight hundred and thirty corporate sponsorship logos even though I do not actually have a sponsor. The reason for this is simple. For every thirty male bicycle riders there is one female bicycle rider and, as in nature where the most adorned peacock gets the peahen, the male bicycle rider with the most brightly coloured Spandex® and most corporate sponsorship logos gets to mate with her.

Things that are almost as good as riding my bicycle:
1. Looking at my bicycle
2. Talking about my bicycle
3. Watching television programs that feature people riding bicycles
4. Cheese

Road safety is an important component and basic precaution needs to be undertaken. Once when I was riding my bicycle at great speed, I developed speed wobble and was thrown, rolling several times and sliding several metres, towards a busy intersection. I was lucky enough not to enter the flow of traffic thanks only to friction. As bicycles do not come with safety airbags, I now carry an inflatable raft and pump with me at all times. A lot of people choose not to ride a bicycle because they are too embarrassed to wear a crash helmet but by painting the helmet light brown, it can easily be disguised as a large mushroom.



A. Seat constructed by a team of physicists using the largest and most expensive laser on earth.
B. Titanium composite alloy frame such as NASA uses on the space shuttle.
C. Tyres made from rubber collected from a rare tree in the Amazon forest by tribal elders.
D. Handle bars made from Polycarbonate fibre from the future.
E. Brakes made from Pretanium, a metal not yet discovered by man.
F. Shimano gears because they are the best.
G. Pedals formed by pressure in the lower atmosphere of Jupiter.

People often say to me "That's a nice bicycle John" and I reply, "Yes, it is made out of a titanium composite alloy such as NASA uses on the space shuttle and it has Shimano gears which are the best." Just a few weeks ago, while I was taking a rest from riding my bicycle on a park bench, a man walking past said to me "That's a nice bicycle, can I take it for a ride? I will bring it right back" and I said "Sure, but be careful because it is made out of a titanium composite alloy such as NASA uses on the space shuttle and it has Shimano gears which are the best."



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