Articles

Have you ever noticed how beautiful a baby's smile is?

Hello Ladies. Yes, I am available and looking for that special woman. She has to enjoy never leaving the house, cleaning me with a damp cloth and experiencing the beauty of a baby's smile. I placed an ad in the singles columns that simply read 'Woman wanted'. I felt it would be superficial to include that she must be athletic and named Candy, I will screen them when they call.

About Me:

My Nickname
That yellow shirt guy
My Starsign
Leonard the Star Chicken
My Hobbies
Food and enjoying the beauty of a baby's smile.
My Favourite colours
110, 120 and 151
My Favourite song


My Favourite Bible story
Once when baby jesus was in the desert, he turned some snakes into a small hut where he lodged for the night.



My Life Story
I was born in a small village near a secret government testing complex. As part of an experiment in human/pig cloning, I led a happy childhood, often seen rolling through the streets of the village. Sometimes I would also take my scooter.

When I grew to manhood, I was placed inside a magnetically shielded device designed to compress my molecular structure into a singularity point using my body's own gravitational fields.

Now that I am a singularity point, I have the ability to see through all time and space.
Hello, my name is Barry, you may remember me from past roles such as Willy in the Free Willy movies 2 & 3, the pile of Stegasaurus dung in Jurassic Park and as Ayres Rock in Kangaroo Jack (for which they used eighteen thousand litres of 'Burnt Umber' to paint my body.)
I read recently that the earth is not actually a sphere and is compressed at the poles and bulges at the equator where the world spins the fastest. This means that objects at the equator are under less gravitational pull and therefor weigh less. I have calculated that I would lose almost six hundred kilos by moving my bed ten metres closer to the equatorial line. This is a lot of effort for little outcome but I did change position by eight centimetres today. Changing positions once a week allows mum to wipe sections of my body according to a rotation schedule. It also burns calories and is part of my regular exercise routine.
In the future, there will be televisions that change channels when you blink your eyes.



The View From My Bed A Poem by Barry
I have two buckets, green and blue.
On tuesdays a nurse comes and cleans my poo.

Merry Christmas everybody!
I would like to wish everyone a very happy christmas (except david) and extend an invite (except david) to my house for xmas lunch as I cannot leave this year due to the unavailablity of an industrial crane and the costs involved with removing the bedroom wall from my house. Besides which, I have no reason to leave, everything I need is here including my two buckets (blue and green), a telephone for ordering pizza, my industrial drum of sorbalene®, my 1994 computer so I can look at pictures of food and my favourite wash cloth.
This year I am laying on a huge banquet featuring a pig on a spit, fourty six pizzas and eighteen cakes. Feel free to bring your own food if you would also like to eat.
For those buying me a present this year,
I have provided the following xmas wish list
for your convenience:
1. McDonalds
2. Hungry Jacks
3. Red Rooster
4. Pizza Hut
5. KFC
6. A woman
7. 2 new buckets (green and blue)
8. A new wash cloth
Thanks, Barry.


Contact

Latest News

More emails, more articles, more exclusive content. Debuting at #4 on the New York Times Bestseller Liist, the new book is available now from:
Penguin Publishing
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Books A Milliion
Indiebound
CafePress (Outside the US)
Read the Reviews

Buy Something Nice