Articles

Simon's guide to camping

Hello, my name is Simon and I love camping. I do not own any camping gear but this is not a problem as I have watched every series of Survivor.
My favourite series so far was the one where Jeff, the host, rode all the way from the Amazon on a jet ski to New York, crossing the Atlantic ocean, to read the votes in the final episode. This shows not only great dedication to fans, but also excellent seafaring and navigation skills. It would have taken him ages plus he would have had to stop to rest and eat.
Here is my simple guide to camping with David.

Step 1

Ring David at 11pm and tell him you want to go camping the next day. Dictate a list of items you require him to prepare by the next morning, including tent and all supplies. If David asks any questions, become exasperated and explain to him that camping is about enjoying the great outdoors and each other's company, not about going halves for groceries and petrol money.

Step 2

Ring David at 6.45am to add "Biscuits to eat on the trip" to the list.

Step 3

Once David arrives to pick you up, read out the list and make David say the word 'check' after each item because that is how they do it on television and 'yep' is not a real word. Add pocket mirror to the list, berating David for not having the common sense to include this. Quote Lord Baden Powell's "Be prepared" a minimum of four times.
Before leaving, try on several combinations of cargo pants with baseball caps and consult David on the merits of each. If David states "that looks fine", explain to him that you were just testing him and he failed as you would never wear a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants out in public. If he mentions nobody else will be at the camp site to see the outfit, explain to him that you are taking a digital camera and will not be posting photos of yourself wearing a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants on Facebook.

Step 4

Instruct David to take your bags out to the car while you check your email before leaving. Explain the importance of working together and good time management. Once you have left, instruct David to pull into a service station to purchase AAA batteries and different biscuits to eat on the trip as you only like the ones with cream in them. When David returns to the car, go into the service station to purchase biscuits yourself after stating that it should have been obvious you did not mean Oreo's. While inside, also purchase Billy Idol's greatest hits CD to listen to on the way because you like the track "Yell like a Rebel."

Step 5

During the four hour drive to the camp site, instruct David to pull over every forty five minutes so you can go to the toilet behind a tree. It is important to do this when the only tree is several hundred metres away in a field. While urinating, peer around the tree at David sitting in the car. For the remainder of the drive, list words that lose all meaning when you say them fifty times such as 'yolk' and play the Billy Idol's greatest hits CD on loop while stating "Oooh, I remember this one" at the beginning of each track.
Read out each road sign as you pass it. When it is a speed limit sign, lean across to glance at the speedometer.

Step 6

Upon arrival, unpack only a chair to sit in while David sets up camp. Point out what he could do to streamline the procedure. Instruct David to fetch your bag as you did not realise the tent would be the same colour as your cargo pants and you wish to change. Explain that if you are photographed with the tent in the background it will look like you have no legs.
Admonish David for purchasing AAA batteries when your digital camera takes AA. Inform David that AA and AAA are the correct terms and that only people who drive pickup trucks call them double and triple A.

Step 7

After sitting in the chair for an hour, inform David that you are bored. If David suggests hiking or any other activity that requires leaving the chair, state that you are there to relax, not partake in extreme sports.
While David collects firewood to cook dinner, call out instructions regarding the size, type and density of wood required. As David is constructing the fire, point out the fundamental errors of his system and state that it is not the way you have seen it done on Survivor. Explain the teepee method of stick formation and its air circulation and flame consistency benefits. Once the fire is established, describe in detail how you prefer your sausages cooked, using pieces of bark as colour swatches to indicate the hue required. During dinner, calculate the ratio of burnt to unburnt sausage and evaluate David's ability to follow simple instructions at seventeen percent.
After dinner, state that it is a requirement while camping to sing songs around the campfire. When David declines, sing tracks from Billy Idol's greatest hits CD. After asking David if he thinks your hair would look good styled like Billy Idol's, point out his obvious lack of fashion sense using the green cap & beige pants example.

Step 8

Declare that you are tired and wish to go to bed. If David replies that he will sit by the fire for a while, inform him that you are camping together and douse the fire with a bucket of water. Once in the tent, state that you always sleep naked and are not going to alter this just because you are camping. Wait until David is in his sleeping bag before requesting he retrieve your book from the car due to you being naked, not tired and wishing to read for a while by torchlight. On his return, point out the fact that the torch is flat and that it takes AA batteries.
Lay in the dark for several minutes before declaring that you are bored and that there may be a mosquito in the tent. Ask "Did you hear that?" and "Are you asleep?" every five minutes. Describe how uncomfortable you are, what you are missing on television and hum tracks from Billy Idol's greatest hits CD.

Step 9

Wake David at 1am and inform him that you want to make a bow and arrow. List the protection and hunting benefits of such. If David states that it is the middle of the night and there is no string for the bows, inform him that clocks are not part of camping and quote Lord Baden Powell in regards to the string.
Take this opportunity to point out a small hole in the tent and ask David if he thinks it is large enough for spiders to get through. Describe in depth a television program you saw on Discovery channel about wasps laying eggs in spiders.

Step 10

Wake David at 1.30am and ask if he thinks the hole is large enough for wasps to get through.

Step 11

Wake David at 2am and tell him that you do not remember switching the iron off after ironing your cargo pants and that you are very concerned about the fact.
Inform him that this will require cutting the camping trip short, packing up first thing in the morning and driving home. State that on the plus side, you just remembered the new series of 'V' starts tomorrow night on television and this means that you will not miss it. List science fiction shows from the seventies and eighties that you think should be redone for today's audience.

Step 12

During the drive back, insinuate continuously that the Billy Idol CD has gone missing on purpose. State every half hour that you really felt like listening to it.

Contact


27b/6 Products


More emails, more articles, more exclusive content.
The Internet is a Playground Black Label Edition is available now. More...

Friends of 27b/6


Sponsored Links


Stuff