Australia's most extreme stunt man to the awesomest max
If you have a party, wedding or BBQ that you need a show for, please contact me and I will do you a good price. I will soon be famous and the price will go up so be quick.
Email me a stunt that you think would be extreme to the awsomest max:
Put aluminium foil in the microwave.
Run in the hallway.
Don't step off the escalator when it gets to the top.
Talk to strangers.
Get stuck bread out of the toaster with a knife.
Sharpen a pencil with a stanley knife without cutting away from yourself.
Lick a frozen pole.
Run with scissors.
Wear brown shoes with a black belt.
Ask Shannon for petty cash.
Eat ham from the fridge on the 9th when its use by date is the 7th
Touch a cat in the street
Leave the T.V plugged in during a lightning storm.
Coss the road in the middle of the block without even going to the corner (unless a car is coming).
Hello, my name is Mr Carganovsky and I have been a professional stunt man for nearly four weeks. In that time I have looked death in the face many times. My career began when someone clipped the side mirror of my Datsun 180B while I was parked at a K-Mart. I was inside purchasing credit for my phone at the time and did not notice the cracked mirror until I was driving home. A police car, with sirens and lights flashing, came up behind me before overtaking and due to the refraction caused by the shattered mirror, when I looked I thought there were about forty police vehicles behind me and I almost had an aneurysm. I have a few outstanding parking fines.
I swerved and mounted the curb, almost hitting a dog, before bringing the vehicle under control. The dog was on the other side of the road and behind a fence but if it hadn't been, the outcome could have been very different. The adrenalin rush was unlike anything I had ever experienced and I knew I had found my calling. The rest of the way home I drove sixty three even though it was a sixty zone as my yearning for the extreme had been fueled.
Last week I ran on the concrete at my local swimming pool and last night I lit myself on fire. If you hold a gas lighter in your palm with the button depressed then spark it, the gas ignites for a couple of seconds. My nephews said it was the best trick they have ever seen.
To prepare for each stunt, I enter a deep meditative state through circular breathing execises and twelve hours in my friend Simon's floatation tank. As Simon does not own a tape of whale sounds, he makes the noises himself through a hole in the lid which is quite annoying. I am currently preparing for my latest stunt in which I intend to play with pointy sticks then eat and go swimming without waiting thirty minutes.
Safety is paramount in the stunt business. My car is completely fitted out with a St Johns first aid kit in the glove compartment. The vehicle predates manufacturer requirements for air bags but I have glued several rubber stress balls to my steering wheel and replaced the interior lining with bubble wrap. The car's exterior, engine, transmission and tyres are completely shot but apart from that the vehicle is in excellent condition so it is worth spending money on. Last week I had signwriters paint 'Mr Carganovsky, Exteme Stunt Man to the Awesomest Max' on the side and this has attracted a lot of attention. I also need to buy a cassette player to play my new theme song while I am doing stunts:
Mr Carganovsky to the Extreme
By Mr Carganovsky, music by Proclaimers
It's Mr Carganovsky,
Being extreme to the awesomest max,
Did you see what he just he did? No? Pity because it was amazing.
Dont push him, cause he is close to the edge,
As I do not currently have a stereo in the car, I am forced to nod my head and tap the steering wheel to disguise the fact at traffic lights so that people do not point and say "Look there's Mr Carganovsky sitting in his car in silence. He must be poor". Also, if I am touching metal when I turn the ignition key, I receive a short but painful shock which often causes me to black out for an hour or two. This accounts for my being late to work at least three times a week and I am on my last warning. I dont care if I get sacked though as I will be famous soon.
My job consists of googling pictures of cats for ninety percent of the day and the other ten percent constructing reasons why no work gets done. They have not caught on yet as I hide my browser window by displaying pornography when anybody enters my office. While my co-workers are in production meetings discussing why nothing is produced, I steal office supplies and sell them on eBay using the proceeds to promote my stunt man career. Thanks to a bulk office purchase of liquid paper, I was able to have t-shirts made and often I come into work after hours and use the photo copier to print my promotional tour posters. I usually post a few thousand a week on walls and poles around town so the office UHU sticks have also come in handy.
With the money I make from being a famous stunt man, I am hoping to one day open a stunt school offering courses such as 'Flicking the Light Switch On and Off Repeatedly' and 'Sitting Too Close to the Television'.
- Copyright © David Thorne 2010 All rights reserved.