As a professional blog writer of the wittiest stuff on the internet, I recently decided to quit my job as head assistant chef in charge of pickles at McDonalds and focus full time on my writing career. Due to my unique creative spark and rapier sharp wit, my blog has had unprecedented success and just this week I had another hit. Apparently they mistyped 'rim dent' in google but it still counts. Being a professional blog writer is not all Moët and chicken nuggets though, due to server and hosting fees, I made minus four hundred and ninety dollars last financial year but my wife works three jobs and has a credit card so it all balances out.
If I had friends they would often ask me "Scott, what is the secret behind your champagne quality comedy?" and I would explain to them that it is just a gift and that some people are naturally born with an incredible creative spark while others just get to read it. Recently, I wrote about the time a bee flew in my car window and then flew back out. It was so funny and when I posted a link to it on World of Warcraft, a level 54 dwarf wrote back saying "awesome man" which made my day.
Once when I was online in my dwarf clan, I met a level 41 dwarf named Cindy and we fell in love despite her being below my status. I would send her poetry about warcraft and she would edit it for me. As my wife works a hundred and eighty hour week, this gave me plenty of opportunity to organise a liaison with Cindy in real life. After arranging to meet, I packed my dwarf costume and battle axe and used my wife's credit card to buy a bus ticket to the town Cindy lived in. As it turned out, Cindy was actually a real dwarf. And a man. We still made love so as not to waste the money I had spent but I left feeling deceived and only partly satisfied. Why can't people just be honest?
Because I am a professional blog writer, I recently upgraded my Amstrad CPC 464 to an appropriate system befitting my role. Using my wife's credit card, I purchased fifteen mainframe computer systems but have ordered an additional twenty five computers as no matter how full my hard drives become, people keep putting new porn on the internet. I have no idea how they expect me to keep up. I feel like Captain Picard commanding the Enterprise when I work and sometimes I wear my Star Trek uniform when my wife is out. My favourite character from Star Trek is Wesley.
Once during a freak storm, the electricity in our house went out and I was unable to access my hard drives for over five hours. My testicles grew to the size of small watermelons before rupturing and I was rushed to hospital. While I was recovering in ward 7G, I made friends with a small boy named Ross in the bed next to me. He died from cancer the next day so I took his Sony PSP.
Dividing my time between writing professionally on my blog and online as Scott the Invincible are not my only creative outlets. I am also a professional cartoonist. I am much better than Carl Schultz as my ideas are more clever and creative. I would describe my art as cutting edge with my ears to the street and if you don't get my cartoons then 'yo momma' to you nigga. Here is one of my best cartoons, when I originally posted it my hits went up 400% and all four people said that it was unlike any professional material they had ever seen before.
The cartoon above is funny on two levels which makes it lateral. Firstly, I was
looking at porn but said that I wasn't so this is like British comedy and brilliant in itself without the rest. Secondly, I said "make it so" which is what Captain Picard says in Star Trek and I was wearing my Star Trek uniform when I said it. Do you get it? It is probably too clever for you.
If I could give one word of advice to anybody wanting to be a professional blog writer like me, it would be to realise that it does not matter what the subject is, the important thing is how I feel about it. Balance is also important, I find that the best ratio is to have ninety percent of the stories about me and how I feel about things and the remaining ten percent linking to stories about me and how I feel about things.