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Write a speech for me because I am very busy. And don't be a dickhead about it.

When I was growing up, the only thing I wanted to be was an astronaut. This may seem like a normal aspiration for many children but I was well into my teens, late teens, before realising my chances of reaching the stars were less than minimal. Ok, mid twenties. The high grade requirement in physics and maths may have something to do with it but I like to blame the lack of space shuttle availability in Australia. I would have been a terrible NASA employee anyway, preferring to spin around in capsules and jump high than spending my time connecting module bolt 962-A to 962-B.

As an alternative to a career requiring high academic achievement, I chose one requiring none at all. The degree comprised mainly of taking copius amounts of drugs and wearing Doc Martins and talking derisively about people who do not understand the difference between Helvetica Neue and Helvetica.

From: Thomas
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 3.12pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Speech

I have been asked to be part of the Speakers in Schools program this Friday and have to present a speech to the students at Bansia Park High School. It just has to be the opening speech and I will then go through the powerpoint presentation and show them examples of graphic design and branding we have done. I am very busy so can you write the opening speech? It just needs to be five minutes or so about the company and what we do.
TJ
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 3.26pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,
How does this affect your court order imposed five hundred metre ban from schools?
Regards, David.
From: Thomas
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 4.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Speech

Just write the opening speech please and don't be a dickhead about it.
TJ
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 5.16pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,
I have attached the first draft of your opening speech. It may require a few tweaks but basically introduces you to the students and provides a clear understanding of what working in the design industry entails. Let me know of any changes you require.
Regards, David.

Good morning students.
My name is Thomas and I have driven this extraordinary distance from the nice suburbs to speak to you today despite the fact I am not being paid to do so and it doesn't count as part of my community service. I had the secretary check.
It has been a long time since I was in a school environment and it brings back many memories. Some fond, some painful. For many years I was called cruel names because of the size of my head and rocks were thrown at me as I crossed the schoolyard due to being an easy target. Thankfully, Mrs Carter was eventually transferred to teach english at a different school and the bullying stopped.
It was obvious from the poor grade she gave me for my essay, about a space teacher who deals with racial issues when he transfers to a school on the planet Beta-5 titled 'To sir with the only emotional responses that can be generated by a species that has evolved in a methane atmosphere seventy times the pressure of Earth's', that her hostility masked a burning jealousy of my superior writing abilities and I explained this to her on several occassions.
A short time later, the replacement english teacher, Mr Amorelli, asked me to stay back after class to discuss my grades but instead made me stand on a desk, undress slowly and dance in a circular motion. At first I was afraid and ashamed but then the power of dance overcame me and I danced like I have never danced before. Like that welder in the movie Flashdance.
And that is what graphic design and branding is about; when the client asks you to fit eighteen pages of text onto a single sided A4 flyer and increase the type size to twelve point, simply find your special place and dance. It doesn't matter if there is no music; create the rhythm by clapping, humming or building a musical instrument using tightly drawn string and a cardboard box. A stick with bottle tops nailed to it does not count as a musical instrument. Nobody wants to hear that. I usually tap out No Sleep Till Brooklyn by the Beastie Boys with spoons but it comes down to personal preference and implement availability.
And here's a PowerPoint presentation...
From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 10.02am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

What the fuck is this? I told you not to be a dickead about it. Just write something normal that explains design and branding to young students please. I don't know how old they are probably grade 6. I have to present on Friday morning.
TJ
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 10.38am
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,
I appreciate how important this speech is to you. It is entirely possible that in ten or twenty years these young students may be running their own corporation that requires design services and think to themselves "Who was that man that came to our school and talked about his car, Discovery channel and his rooftop for three hours? The one with the large head. I should give him a call because I need a business card designed." I have, therefore, revised the speech accordingly to target this younger demographic. Let me know of any changes required.
Regards, David.

Hello boys and girls.
(Wave. With both hands so those at the back can see you.)
My name is Thomas and I drove here in a motor car. Once upon a time, there was an evil wizard who tried to cast a spell on a young boy. Luckily, the young boy was able to defeat the evil wizard by doing a magical spinning dance. Without the use of bottle tops nailed to a stick.
And that is what graphic design and branding is about; spinning really fast.
(Demonstrate.)
And here's a PowerPoint presentation...
From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 11.49am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

I have to present this tomorrow morning. What the fuck is wrong with you? I will write it myself if you cant do as you are asked.
TJ
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 12.26pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,
Alright, but going by the amount of client proposals that have been sent out in the last six months, it has been a while since you have actually written anything. Just remember, the big letters mean you have started writing and the dots mean you have finished. The dots with tails means you are talking, then pausing, then talking, and then pausing, again.
Regards, David.
From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 2.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

The reason no client proposals have gone out lately is due to the global financial crisis. My job is hard enough without you being a dickhead when I ask you to write one fucking opening speech. For students! How hard can that be? I have to give the speech tomorrow morning and I expect you to email me something usable before then.
TJ
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 3.46pm
To:Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,
Thank you for explaining that the several hours of your day spent playing online poker is a direct result of the weak US dollar. I apologise for the previous drafts which I agree, with hindsight, do not give a clear understanding of your important role. Please find attached the amended and final draft.
Regards, David.

Good morning students.
My name is Thomas and I have been asked to speak to you today about being a graphic designer and running a design and branding agency. I never intended to be a graphic designer. I have always wanted to work with cheese.
When I was a young boy I would make my own and go door to door selling it in the small village where I was raised. One particularly warm summer, I made enough money to buy a bicycle and started my own home cheese delivery company, taking orders via two way radio. I painted a pair of my father's overalls bright yellow, cutting holes to symbolise swiss cheese, and rode throughout the village calling "Cheese. Cheese for sale." People would often point and say "There's that kid on the bicycle who makes his own cheese. Look at the size of his head." Eventually my business was shut down due to government officials not understanding the self fermentation benefits of guinea-pig milk, but not before I learned the benefits of company branding and had raised enough capital to start my own branding company.
Unfortunately, my design director, David Thorne, who has been responsible for the majority of high profile client branding projects for the company over the last eight years, just formally tendered his resignation, effective immediately. David citied the inability of the company owner to actively seek new clients, a salary that professional bag ladies would ridicule, third world working conditions and beating his own high score in an office game he devised called 'staring at the wall wondering what happy people are doing' as his main reasons. David thanked the staff and I for the opportunities that were provided to him during his time with the company and wished me all the best with my personal and professional endeavors. And with the speech.
And here's a PowerPoint presentation...
From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 4.13pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Fine.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 4.26pm
To:Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Fine.

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